I'm going to start this by pointing out something I noticed several days ago. As I woke up from sleeping. As got ready for school. As my day continued. Up until I went to sleep.

My discovery?

My life is boring.

I mean that quite litterally. I am bored with my life. There is nothing exciting that happens anymore. There is nothing that makes me want to continue in another day. I have nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. Nothing is new.

Back to when Kaitie and I were singing the Pokemon Theme song as we walked to class after lunch, that actually broke the rut a little. It made me feel something different.

Not even the Mad Libs I bought, and brought to school for my lunch table to fill out gives off that warm feeling. Everything has been dragged down into the deepest rut.

I know that no one can really understand what I'm saying, so I'll explain.

My morning starts with Father yelling at me to get up. He yells the exact same thing, in the exact same tone. I get up at the exact same time. Take the exact same time to get ready. Wear basically the exact same thing everyday. Get to my bus stop at the exact same time, just enough to give my boyfriend one good-bye kiss of the morning, and get on the bus. I get angry at the exact same idiots on my bus over the exact same reason. I listen to the exact same music on the way to school. I get to school at the exact same time every morning. I walk the exact same path to get into the building. Go to the exact same place where I talk to the exact same people for about 15-20 minutes before taking the exact same stairs to first period. I always go up the stairs, left foot first, then right foot. I always cross over a certain tile with my right foot. In first period, we go over the lesson in the exact same way, in the exact same tone, for the exact same amount of time. I talk to the exact same friends as I walk back down, in the exact same way, yelling at the exact same people for being slow. I give my friend, Aly, a hug before I go off into second period, where we're always doing something sewing related.

After that, I go up a different flight of stairs, but in the exact same way to the exact same place on the second floor. Third period passes with the exact same boringness. I talk to the exact same person about pretty much the exact same thing. When that is finished, I walk the exact same person until I meet with my new friend, Alley, where we all give each other a group hug, in the exact same way, before we go off to our next period. Then I get to fourth, in the exact same way, passing the exact same people, who seem to wear the exact same thing everyday, who talk about the exact same thing between every class. In fourth period, my study hall, I do the exact same thing: I switch between writing, reading, and drawing. Then we listen to the morning announcements, which are the exact same thing every day, only done by different people, but nonetheless, the exact same.

I go to lunch, and I sit in the exact same spot. Going to the restroom, taking the exact same amount of time as every other day. I go eat the exact same lunch, listening to the exact same conversation every single day. Then I go to fifth period, walking there in the exact same way, in the exact same pace, with th exact same people. I sit in my seat, in the exact same way, and vaguely listen to the exact same teacher rant and lecture about the exact same topic everyday. I then go down to sixth period, where I paint the exact same picture, in the exact same way, with the exact same paints, in the exact same amount of time. I always listen to the conversations that go on, which seem to be the exact same each day. The teacher always puts on music, but it's always the exact same music by the exact same band. I then clean up from my painting in the exact same way, taking the exact same amount of time.

After all of that, I walk down the exact same hallway, taking the exact same amount of time getting there. Still getting pissed off at the exact same people for walking at the exact same slow pace as every other day. I get to Acting, where I sit in the exact same seat, by the exact same people. Of course, it's Acting, making each day's activities different, but it's still Acting, and thus the same. At the end of class, at the exact same time, the exact same bell rings, and the exact same people groan in the exact same way complaining about the exact same thing.

Then I go up the exact same stairs, talking to the exact same people, yelling in the exact same way at the exact same people for going slow. I then go to eighth period, were we do the exact same thing, in the exact same way, by the exact same teachers. After class, I rush in the exact same way to get to the exact same bus as in the morning, barely making time to wait for the exact same friends I see everyday at the exact same time.

I get to the exact same bus, and attempt to sit in the exact same seat as I normally do. Most of the time, the younger idiots like to steal my seat, thus making me angry in the exact same way; for some reason, the haven't been recently, so I sit in the exact same seat. I listen to the exact same music on the exact same trip home. I get off at the exact same bus stop, running across the exact same street, and hugging my boyfriend in the exact same way. Although, sometimes he has to work, and won't be there for when I get home, so I walk down the street in the exact same way, singing to myself the exact same song. I yell at my dogs in the exact same way when I walk through the exact same door.

I normally get a snack, consisting of the exact same thing. I drink the exact same brand of water. Play the exact same game, in the exact same way, at the exact same time after I get home. Then there's a gap here, where something happens, depending on what's planned, which is usually nothing. Then I shower at the exact same time, doing the exact same things in the exact same amount of time. Then I straighten my hair, in the exact same way, taking the exact same amount of time. I listen to the exact same music, from the exact same iPod, while doing so. I usually talk to my friend, Kitsune, at the exact same time, but she normally doesn't respond well... so conversation dies early...

Then, I go through the exact same kitchen, to the exact same living room, where I put Jack to bed in the exact same way. I turn out our fish tank's light in the exact same way. Then I hug my boyfriend in the exact same way before going to the exact same bed at the exact same time to fall asleep in the exact same way.

Repeat day after day Monday through Friday. Except on weekends and days off. Then there's a huge gap where I do the exact same thing where school normally is.

See? (Speaking to those of you who actually took the time to read that.) My life has fallen into a rut that I cannot get out of.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to get up in the mornings for the exact same reason of me being trapped in this rut.

I could do something about this... like make things happen... make plans with friends, go shopping and whatnot. But that's not as easy as it sounds. I don't live really close to any of my friends, nor do I drive, so I cannot go to get them. And I can't always have them be dragged over to a boring place such as my house... And I can't always have my boyfriend drive us around everywhere.

My life is boring. I'm bored of this every-day-rut. Hell, it's taking me everything to sit here in front of this damned computer to tell everyone about this!

So, I've decided on something. I'm going to make a You Tube show. It's going to be called "Riname Rants", and it's just going to be me rant insanely over things that make me upset or angry or whatnot. With separate handdrawn pictures of Rin!

...

And on a side note, my parents broke another promise in the exact same way. They had promised that they were going to the gym after they came home from dinner. They never do...

Which brings me to my next point. Riname Rants will not be recorded on a certain daily or weekly basis. There might be two in one week, or two in one month. It depends on what happens in my life. I also need to build a collection of Rin sketches, since each on will be individually drawn, not editted at all.

First episode is "The Slow Moving People"!! Ranting about the people at my school who think walking down the hallway is leisure time!

Right now, I want to take the time to make everything seem worse. If not, then don't read this. I just need to get this off of my chest.

Last Friday, my family had company over. Which, by the way, killed the rut for a good six hours, which was nice. Mother was cooking a big dinner, so I was sitting in the kitchen listening to her conversation with Father. It was disturbing.

My grandmother. The woman who I called "mom" because she was the one who raised me, since my parents were never home when I was so young to take care of me. (Which would explain why I don't have a strong bond with them...) My grandmother has dymentia, she's had it for years, but recently it's been getting really bad...

Now, this is only what I've heard from Mother. I am too afraid to actually talk about it with her...

She and my grandfather live in a small mobile home on the edge of a forest that is on a hill. A steep hill, mind you, so it's not easy for either of them to be living there. She refuses to move into a nursing home, I do not know why, even though everyone believes that it's a good idea.

When they were on vacation last summer, my grandfather would be woken up in the middle of the night, to find my grandmother packing her suitcase. She would complain about not knowing where she is, and that she wanted to go home. He would have to explain that they were on vacation, and not to worry, to go back to sleep.

And just recently, she has been telling everyone that my cousin, Adam, had helped her into the forest by her house to retrieve a cane she left there. The only problem is: Adam never helped her into the forest, she went on her own. She, not very balanced anymore, so how this was possible is unknown.

But even though that greatly disturbs me, there's two things I do not understand...
1) How did she get her cane there in the first place?
2) She did go into the forest, and if she didn't do it with Adam, but she did in fact go with someone, who did she go with?

I partially do not want to know the answers to these... I want to talk about it with someone, but I can't talk to my parents about it! How the hell will they understand what I'm feeling?! This is litterally the woman who raised me since the day I was born, and now I'm being forced to watch this happen? I know there are hundreds of other people who have it worse than this, I acknowledge that.

I think I may talk to Adam about this... He might have an idea of what to do... But we also have to deal with him, as well! I believe he has ADD, and his new medicine is taking time to adjust.

It's almost like I'm stuck... Part of me wants to make this all go away. Part of me wants to curl up into a dark corner and never come back out.

I just don't know what to do anymore. There's no real excitement here anymore... Drama, yes, but no excitement. Nothing to make me feel all warm inside, nothing to make good memories of.

My life is boring...

I want to give up on it...

I want to restart it from the beginning...